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Dive into Masculinity "The Illusion of the Manly Man"


Ever felt trapped in a box labeled "man" or "masculine"?


This blog challenges masculinity and the rigid and often harmful expectations thrust upon men.


Join us as we deconstruct the illusion of the "manly man"


I've got a very special topic for you guys today. I sent out an email a while ago asking people how they are. I got a reply from a guy that has some very strong views on men.


I'm going to take this letter and break it down sentence by sentence.


This jump straight into it.


The letter reads, Dear Jaun, this next piece is a letter addressed to the question of how you are as men. We tend to forget our own emotional responsibilities and should ensure that the loved ones around this are well taken care of


This is a common thing, just not just not among men, but among most people. They tend to sacrifice themselves for the ones they love, but they're actually just infatuated with them, hence the sacrifice.


What they do is they sacrifice what's important to them to see, to fulfil what is important to the ones they love. If you can't see that whatever you're doing is helping whoever you love, how it serves them, you're going to feel that you are sacrificing, you're giving in giving and giving, but do not get anything back. If you truly love someone and you'll see like you'll see the love that they give back. So, then it's not like you are sacrificing yourself. It is more about actually doing it because, because they love the individual. So, if you do whatever you do and you feel like you're sacrificing yourself, you're actually not doing that out of unconditional love.


If you're just doing it expecting something in return, it is not unconditional love because there are conditions. 


Every day a man steps out of his front door, he takes damage, it's part of being a male


So that is a very packed statement. So first of all, if you say you're taking damage, what damage are you talking about? 


If you feel like you're taking damage, you you're not doing what you love because if you do what you love and you're doing it for the people that you love, you won't see it as damage. 


You'll see it as an opportunity to actually do something that makes other people's lives better, which is the basis for any human being. They want to make sure that they serve humanity in some shape or form. So, the fact that you think you are taking damage and as a man, you're taking damage that is assuming that you are not there's no benefits to you actually doing whatever you're doing.


Then he goes on to say: You have to go out into the world at an early age and trade your innocence for experience to become a man. So, I dunno who told you this? 


Because the word HAS TO means that you got it from somewhere, right?


That's called imperative language and you'll see a lot of that in this letter. So, you feel that you have to do it. It's not coming from your heart. It's not that you want to do it, you love to do it a way to do it. You do it because somebody told you some authority figure in your life told you this is what a man is supposed to do, as opposed to trying to trade your innocence for experience.


Everybody in this world gets to experience events in their life. There is no such thing as innocence. Innocence is subjective. So, anybody can be innocent. I can say my wife was innocent and I corrupted her. I can say that. But she did things and that took away her innocence anyway. Nobody's innocent in anything. So that's the thing. If you're saying if you're labelling someone as innocent, then assuming that they are like one side and there's no one side and you will go through life experiencing things and that that that is not a bad thing that shapes who you are, that makes you the individual that you are.


A lot of people don't know why they do what they do. They don't know who they are. They know the way they're going, and they have this obscure idea of what they want to do, but they're not clear on it. So yeah, that's a big thing is you can't trade your innocence for experience.


Every human being goes through this, whether you're a man or a woman, a frickin attack helicopter, it doesn't matter. 


And then it goes on to say, and you have and you have to there is no other option. Again, imperative language. Again, it's someone who told them that, it could be like a preacher or whoever or the individual father or somebody they knew something to look up to. And that authority figure is injecting what they believe into this individual. 


Now, there is no value in a man that is innocent, okay? Nobody's innocent. But also, if you feel that without innocence, you have no value? 


You have to be experienced Yes. Life is one big ass experience. So, the fact that you say that without experience you have no value.


So that means every child that's born has no value because they don't have experience, right?


That means that half of the population of the world has no value because they don't have experience. So, a teenager, for example, doesn’t have experience. But you see that's just that the experience comes with time, right? And that experience is everything that, like I said, shapes you as an individual. So, I mean, you can either see that experience is a good thing or a bad thing, or you can just see it as it helps you get what you want. But in order for you to actually get what you want; you need to know what you want and that's that. We'll get to that later. 


Okay. So, you can be a soft-hearted man with a soft demeanor, but you need to be capable of extreme violence if the need arises. Okay, good. 


We have a soft demeanor. We are, we have, and we can be assholes and we can be the most loving person under the sun. It just depends on what the situation is, what the need is for.


So, I get that. But why do you want to be capable of extreme violence? 


You see, there's a lot of polarity in this that a lot of men have to go to extreme and soft demeanor and soft hearted. The thing is, everybody is a soft-hearted individual, but if you need if you feel the need to be capable of extreme violence, I mean, in your entire life, depending on where you live and what your living conditions are, etc., etc., there are maybe four times in your entire life for that you need extreme violence.


That would be protecting a family from burglars or whatever. So, it's not like somebody is going to walk into your house every night and you have to beat them up. So, everybody is capable of extreme violence, but it's only situational. And that is in a survival mindset. It's not in a thriving mindset. So, this is so far very survival, survival of the fittest up there.


Now, then it goes on to say the reason why that is so important is not for the man himself. It is so you can protect the innocence of those around his watch. 


This statement basically says you're responsible for everyone around you now, as a father, understand us to a degree, you are there to protect the individuals, etc. Like I said, four times in an entire life, you're going to be challenged with something that constitutes violence, that constitutes you having to protect other people. So, it's that whole statement is a very loose, one sided thing. So, these individuals can protect themselves, first of all. Right. They know how to protect themselves.


It’s a basic human instinct. I mean, they can do that. So, I don't know why it is so important for this individual to make sure that he has to protect them. He has to do everything and actually explain that in a little bit. 


So, his says so often with me or what men do go unrecognized, unappreciated and even criticized and attacked.


You will only be criticized and attacked if you go against what somebody values, what's important to someone. So, if I come to you and I say, okay, listen, you got to do this, you have to do this, you have to do that, and it's not what you want to do.


You're going to become defensive. You're not going to want to do it. I mean, it's just how it is, you know? 


But if I come to you and I support what you what you believe and stuff like that, I mean, you're going to be all open and stuff. So, and the fact that he seeks recognition and wants to be appreciated means he does not want to do that because he wants to because he loves individuals rather than doing it unconditionally.


So, then it goes on. Yet still so many of us men show up and it's these men that keeps the world turning. So actually, not the men that keeps the world turning are the men that make a difference in people's lives because they want to, because they love to.


The fact that you feel that you keep the world turning, is a lot of pride in there. And where there is a lot of pride there is shame because you weren't going to this level of pride if there isn't an equal and opposite level of shame. 


He goes on to say, they take care of their families. They stay on their watch alert and ready to head to war for the ones they love and hold dear


I get this. I get the fact that every day I go to work, it feels like war and all that stuff. I get that and I understand where he's coming from but when he says this, why do you feel you need to go to war? The war with your job, you don't love what you do, the war with the world around you. I mean, if you're at war with the world around you, you're at war with yourself because your outer world is a reflection of the inner world.


So, if you feel the whole world is attacking you, you're going to feel shit. If you go to work in the morning and you feel crappy and you just want to fight everyone, they're going to fight you. You're going to have the perception that they're fighting with you, even though they're not.


He goes on to say, I just think that it's because of the lack of such appreciation and gratitude for that. It's so killing for a lot of men.


You are looking for some sort of appreciation and gratitude. 


I mean, I like the stuff I do, I didn't expect my daughter to come to me and say: Listen, thank you for what you do. I'm so grateful that you are doing what you do.


I don't need that whole thing of I'm doing, I'm doing this for you. 


That is unconditional love, and if somebody doesn't appreciate what you're doing for them, as simple as this, it doesn't matter.


I don't need her to tell me I'm doing what I'm doing. That shit comes from within. So, think about why you're doing what you're doing. Not how many people don't appreciate you.


Are you appreciating yourself?


Now, a man goes through life doing exactly what they should be doing, fighting the good fight. What are they fighting? He explains this in the next line. Wrestling the demons, wrestling the emotions, that's because you can't regulate your own emotions, right? You go from happy, sad, happy, sad.


So, as a man, I understand this. We are born and bred to not say anything, to not feel anything. Because that comes across as weak. What if I told you, it's not weak to show your emotions, to feel. You wrestle your demons, because you don't want to feel your demons. You're avoiding the demons.


You're trying to get rid of those emotions and those demons. Now it’s a thing as a man.


 I struggled with this to my wife, I would say till I was about 26, right? I learned something from a guy called Garrett J. White. In the 1900s, maybe earlier, stuff like that, the man and his wife and his little let's just say John Jane and Timmy lived on a farm and they all worked on the farm and stuff.


So, during that time, all they did was John would go out into the field, Timmy would go with him in the morning. Jane will cook the food and all of that, but she will also go and she'll help in the fields and stuff like that because it's too much for John. And to Timmy


So, everybody worked together. The family worked as a unit. So the man wasn't like this cold-hearted steel of an individual and did what you had to do. They all work together to make that whole dynamic work. And they carried on doing this until about 1912, when World War One happened. Right then John had to go to war. 


Timmy and Jane stayed at home. And so what happened was that John more than likely got killed in World War One because, I mean, that was the most gruesome war in history. So John couldn't teach Timmy on how to be a man, how to work together as a family.


Jane had to go to work because she had to provide for the family. Right. So Timmy grew up thinking, okay, momma needs to work hard because. Because dad isn't here. So I need to be strong. I need to work. That's it. That's where the first thing came in. And also the other thing is, if a man feels while on the battlefield, they are not an effective killing machine.


So they suppress the feeling. So even if John came home, he would be emotionless. He would be shut off, and then Timmy would imitate that and he'll feel, that's what that's what a father supposed to be. But it wasn't like that before. Even after Timmy grows up with this idea of the man needs to be strong and everything because that need to rise, because he wanted to help his mother.


The void was there because there was no provider or someone to help on the farm. So when Timmy grows up to be a half-silenced man.


Timmy has two kids, right? Timmy goes to war, Timmy gets killed. His oldest son Jimmy goes to war and he gets killed as well.


Billy the youngest does the same exact thing and that inherent thing to shut up and bottle down your feelings and provide for the family, because in my mind, their dad and their brother isn't there any mama and he wants to help momma, right? So he gets even worse.


As Billy grows up and he has a family. And now the Industrial Revolution happens. Now he has to say goodbye to his family because he has to go to work for 8 hours a day, even more, sometimes 12. Then he comes home. They're tired because, I mean, if you know your history, you'll know that it was fucked up. So then he comes home and he doesn't have time for his kid. And some is this time he goes to bed every night and he doesn't teach his kid or his son on how to be a man. 


His version of how to be a man other than the man his grandfather was the man he had to become today.


So all of that adds to the suppression and the silencing and the numbing in men, right? So I know a lot of women. I'm like, what? What does this have to do with me? 


So men, we went from a three dimensional to a two dimensional to a one-dimensional man. An ATM. 


Let what then happen is if you aren't emotionally available for anyone, it isn't going to work. If you're not that three-dimensional human, your marriages won't work. Your relationship with your kids won't work like it just won't work because there's no there's no emotion, there's no connection.


Yes. The ATM part is there. Yeah, you can make money all day, every day. And there's that respect because your wife or your partner will not respect you if you can't respect yourself. 


So wrestling the demons and the emotions, I mean, that's why it's fucking vital to learn how to manage your emotions. If you can't manage your emotions, you can't you can't manage yourself, you can't manage your family. 


And if you want to be a rock and all of that shit for your family and a foundation and all that fucking lovely stuff, you need to deal with your own shit first.


Because if you are not emotionally available for your partner, you're going to fuck it up, right? 


They step up to be a good person and they just keep getting kicked in the teeth for it. So again, you're doing it expecting something in return, right? So consider this. If you are emotionally unavailable, you are just at work the whole day. You have no relationship with your wife, with your kids, stuff like that. So how is that serving them all?


So everything has both sides like if you say my father was never there. I mean, I mean my father, for example, he worked a lot, but he was working his ass off. But it was to take care of us because we were three kids. I mean, my mother was there, so he had to take care of a family of five.


So he did what he had to do. But he didn't do it because he had to. He went to work every single day. He came home. He was tired. He wasn't emotionally available for the most part but he did what is important to him. And I'll never forget he said this to my mother once. 


My children are my treasure. 


So that's why he did it.


I'm getting goosebumps because that is a thing of unconditional love. You didn't expect us to be grateful. We gave him a lot of shit. He didn't expect us to be grateful for it. He did it because he loved us and still does.


And I can go around saying, Yeah, my father was never there for me. It was always working. Well, that's my perception. He did what he found important. The important thing was caring for his family. And he didn't do it and complained about doing it. He just did it. He saw the meaning behind why he's doing what he's doing.


And it doesn't matter what we did. He never felt kicked in the teeth because he knew he did his job right.



Now, And he goes on to say, that's the reason why I think men die at 50, but that they aren't buried until they're 80. So it's interesting that you find that you choose these numbers. Right. These numbers are interesting because, I mean, what happened to you when you were 30?


What happened to you? Something happened when you feel that you died. And I know you probably got this from Tiktok or something, but the fact that you keep repeating that you repeat this says it means something. That's a question, right? What happened when you were 30? 

So when people normally send letters and stuff like this, they use different euphemisms.


Use comparisons. And random numbers. They feel random, but it's not really random. Right. So something happened when you were 30. And then because you need to love this, whatever the it was, because you haven't loved it, I mean, that's why you feel that you died. I mean, I still feel like I'm alive every single day because I do what I love.


I love what I do. Simple as that. And I don't care who says what. It's that this is my mission and this is what I do. So if you find yours, then you won't feel this way. 


So it goes on to say that's the answer to the age-old question. And it's not really the answer. It's more of a statement.


No amount of in or out motivation changes the fact that a man will always be at the helm of any battle for his family. There's a lot of war and battle and anger and fighting and violence in this whole letter that I just read to you. And that just reflects what you feel inside. 


You have a lot of anger and war with something within yourself. Now, if you didn't try and find out what this is and love, whatever the hell you're trying to get rid of, you'll be miserable for the rest of your life.


It goes on, say, whether it's emotional or physical now. How can you be there emotionally? How can you fight an emotional battle if you're not comfortable living in your own emotions, like being going inside your mind and being at peace with whatever's happening and loving what's in your mind?


How are you going to do that for anyone else? 


So goes on to say, How are you? I am good, he says. Because it's for the ones that look to me for support that I do what I do.


He continues to say, it is the fragile generation that doesn't know what a traditional man is. And that's why they get downtrodden and don't have the ability to lift themselves out of the hole.


So it's it's not because it's a fragile generation. It is because there's no need for fighting. There's no need for this war and this protection. And I mean, if you really want to protect someone buy a fucking gun and you probably use it like once in your fucking life anyway. 


But the thing is, the traditional man, it the traditional man didn't feel I could just explain. They were never numb because it had there had to be effective killing machines in a war. 


But if you ask any single woman what they want, they'll say they want a man that can feel comfortable being in his own thoughts and his own feelings right now. 


He goes on to say that everybody feels run down. It's the ability to rise out of darkness that makes you a fighter


Great. But you see, the thing is, you can control how you feel by all means. But sometimes people feel so deep in a hole that in the human brain, you have a ratio of your perceptions.


So if that ratio goes more than 7 to 1, you need help bringing it back. See if you can list seven things that you fucking hate about this individual and you can only name zero one good thing about the individual. You need someone to come in and say, Hey, but maybe they're not so bad. Maybe they do this because your intuition in your brain is not strong enough to bring it back.


You get to the 15 over one, the 15 downsides over one upside you bordering schizophrenia like to you or you you just cannot get yourself up your brain physically cannot do it. 


You need outside help to do it. And that's the thing about men. They don't want to admit that they need help because that comes across as weak.



They won't go to that. And I'm not saying like they have to go to a psychologist every single time, even if they just speak to their partner. I said that way of saying, Listen, I'm tired, right? It doesn't make him less of a man. You make him weak, make him human. Now, the partner who appreciates the man opening up to her just to feel that he trusts her with his emotions.



To expect everybody to believe that it's all sunshine and roses all the time is a mindset that is unachievable and you literally destroy the entire fucking letter with that one sentence does not.


It's not all sunshine and roses, which is unachievable, right? It's Not all war and violence and hate and anger. It's not one sided. You just fucking said it right. It is not all sunshine and roses and it's not all war and hatred, Hatred and anger and all that bullshit.


Don't embrace the pain. Love the pain. Take whatever pain there is and see how it's serving you. I'm not some positive thinking, brother that's going to tell you, you know, they're going to be very, very fucking positive all the time. You need to be positive, man. Positive thinking. Say positive things, Affirming, positive, positive. That shit doesn't work.  Everything comes in support and challenge, right?


Then it goes on to say that people do not need people do not need a professional to help them out of something. Anything that I need help with is with a death of a child, with a sexual assault case or some violence. 


First of all, because what seems insignificant to you is not insignificant to other people. Just because you have this facade of being a manly man doesn't mean everyone else will share that ideal. And if you aren't so proud to say that nobody needs this, they only need it for that.


You're projecting what you think and what you feel. Until that, just like your father, preacher, teachers, brothers, whatever that to you. That's my feeling that you're feeling today. It's not about that. You're projecting the very thing that they projected onto you. So I've dealt with a lot of people right. That had depression, grief, you know, not every not one of them.


Literally every single one. I got to a state of gratitude. I'm not because I saw both sides. So how it serves in the things that were terrible and how the downsides were like there were downsides in the things that were all these nice and beautiful things. And it's funny how the world works. You can't escape universal law.


Not everyone has the alpha capacity mindset that people think that they should have.


If you need help, ask for it. 


Hear me on this. If you need help, ask for it. 


If it's with me, it's with me. If it's from your mother, your sister doesn't matter. Just get the fucking help. It's because of this manly man attitude and that men are supposed to just chill. That's why they fucking kill themselves.


I mean, look at the suicide rates. Have you even looked at it in men? Not in women. In men. 


It's because they are taught like individuals, be a manly man, be robots, do not to feel nd deal with your shit. 


And then he goes on to say that that a man is very rough and the foundation of the woman of a relationship. The woman is. So the man is there to keep the woman afloat. 


Let me tell you something. In 2019, my first daughter passed away. Right? That's how I started on this whole thing.


I had to be in my perception, strong for my wife because of anything, she lost a child. 


I had this whole manly man feel. And I was like, okay, I need to be cool, the rock, it fucking destroyed me.


I literally wanted to off myself.


Because I couldn't speak to anyone because I came across as weak. I didn't see anyone with my feelings, with anyone.


Instead of crying, I would bottle a down. At worst case, I would go fucking scream in the car, try to get rid of some of those emotions. I was there for my wife.


And then one day my wife asked me, 


How do you not feeling? How is that calm about this whole thing? 


I didn't know how to answer. 


I can't tell you, I'm the man. I'm supposed to be like this strong individual. What am I supposed to do? What was it? What was I supposed to tell her in that moment?


That I wanted to kill myself? That's how I felt. 


But you see, then I did a whole course on it, and I realized that you can't be a one-dimensional man and the moment I saw that I can open up to my wife and I literally I was lying on top of like on her lap sobbing, you know, snot coming out of the fucking nose, like in tears everywhere.


And that was the moment that I realized that, is love. Being able to go to your partner or whoever your loved one is. And just being you sharing what you feel with them. That's that. This freeing. I mean, I was, I was like, fucking sobbing. Like, I was like the worst part of a traditional man that you can fucking get.


And I shared everything with her, fucking every single thing that I felt. If he thought that I had. And guess what she told me. Thank you. I love you. 


So you see, it is not about being a manly man. It's about being you just realizing that you're a human that will feel these things. You will feel these things, and there's no reason for you to keep it down.


I can go into the history of why men are stronger than woman. I can go into that shit as many times as you like, but I'm not going to do it. But my thing is be true to yourself. 



Why don't you work out your mind?


Why is it only a physical body that needs work and not your mind? If you are looking at standing in the mirror for conflicting, why don't you look into the mirror of your own mind and see how strong am I, really? And if you're not strong in your mind, why don't you go to the gym of your mind?


Why don't you work out your mind? Why go to the gym and so on, on your physical body if you can't, if you don't want to sort out what's up, you and I'm going to leave you with that. That's something to think about.



I love answering all these things. So cool. But yeah, just, just remember that there is a balance. Nothing just good or just bad. Just better or worse. It's all events and it's all. It's all perception that makes it that will decide how you well, that will dictate how you deal with it, how you perceive it, how act upon it, what you do with it.


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